Goodbye, little one

<April 9, 2015>

I started spotting Monday night, then went on to bleeding Tuesday night (all only when I wiped). Called my doctor first thing Wednesday morning. Set up an appointment for today. Wednesday was only spotting except for a night it was little more. At night, some mild cramping began. Come today, cramping had increased, and for the first time red blood in the toilet in the morning. Previously, it had been only brown blood. Went to work, appointment was scheduled for 11. Went to my appointment. Nothing on the pad then either. Cervix is still closed, however my doctor did see old blood. She said the next thing to do would be draw blood. I appreciate her being as reassuring as possible, made my visit a calm one. Believe me, I was expecting tears to come at my doctors visit.

I've already grieved/cried since Monday night. I went, got blood work done, I won't get results until tomorrow. On my drive home, cramping grew even more unbearable. Finally, blood has stained my pad, but again, not much. However, still red. My tender breast symptom has been reduced. I am still continuing with the cramping and bleeding, like that of a light period (more than spotting).

I've read good stories online of similar situations, however, I refuse to get my hopes up. I am praying for the best but prepared for the worst. I'm sad to say that I may have to say goodbye to my little one before I ever got to see him/her or feel him/her. I know I'm strong and can get through this, that, however, doesn't make any of this easier. I had begun worried, as I am a worry wart. And now I feel my worst fear is becoming realized.

I took one picture about a week ago to begin documenting the process, now I may have to end with that. Today marks the end of my 6 weeks. Hopefully we can get pregnant again. I was really looking forward to an addition (our first) but I think God may have other plans, though I don't quite understand why this was part of the plan first. Sorry for the sad (and detailed) story, I needed a way to vent since we had yet to announce our news. If for any reason my pessimistic thinking is wrong, I will let y'all know, but for now, I believe this is it. Until I am blessed again.

<April 14, 2015>

Thursday was rough.  

Not only did I have my doctors appointment, I had horrible cramps that night along with actual RED blood.  No longer was it old blood.  I had lost all hope that night.  

Friday was just a day of waiting.  

I waited for the call and what could be said.  I tried going about my day as best as possible.  I called into work, I couldn't handle being int the classroom receiving a bad call.  We went to Ranger's opening day.  While tailgating I got the call.  "Diana, we got your results and your hormone levels are low.  This could be because its the beginning stages of pregnancy.  We would like you to come in on Monday to check and see if they are increasing or decreasing and go from there."  -- Great.  More waiting time.  Though I was happy to not hear bad news (well complete bad news) I just wished the waiting game would stop.  The waiting was giving me anxiety! 

 Friday, I continued to bleed red blood, not much though, few cramps, and still not hopeful that there would be good news. 

Saturday, still bleeding.

Today, though,for some reason, midday I felt hopeful, for once the whole week.  Though my pregnancy symptoms had completely left, I felt hopeful.  Hopeful that my little one was still growing, hopeful that the bleeding was due to something else.  I did my research and looked for possibilities.  There was still hope.  Cramping was completely gone, bleeding was almost completely gone.  The blood was brown, once again. 

Sunday, I woke up more than hopeful. 

I was almost certain my little one was still with me.  We went to church, I still prayed for the best (knowing very well there was still a chance of miscarriage).  We even sat behind a pregnant couple unknowingly (I found this out when we exchanged peace).  Sunday I went to bed talking to my little one.  

Monday, day of blood work.  

I left work a little early, got pricked, and returned to work for tutoring.  I would have to wait yet another day for the results.  Yesterday, I had hope, yet I was also prepared for the worse.  Every night I prayed for the best outcome.  

Today, my worst fear came true.  

I am no longer pregnant.  Though this wasn't a planned pregnancy, I was very prepared for a little bundle of joy to fill our lives.  "Diana?  You're hormone levels have decreased.  This was for sure a miscarriage.  We would like you to come back in about a week to make sure the levels are back at zero." - So I'm not done with having to relive this? Having to go the OB-GYN yet again because of a now non-existent pregnancy - "Ok, I can come in Monday again."

"How are you?" - My exact words - "Devastated, but relieved to finally know after a week.  No more wondering -what if... - but it does suck... It just wasn't our time.  Maybe next time."

We have decided to begin trying again in a couple of months when my cycles return to normal.  I will continue to take my vitamins in hopes that this will help the outcome.

Goodbye little one.  I never got to feel you, I never got to see you, but I did get to love you, and no one can take that love away.  You are now my little angel.  Watch over us and know you are in my heart.  I love you.